Wednesday, September 30, 2015

fuckit

I'm going to be petulant for a minute. Nobody reads my shit.  This makes me feel like my shit isn't interesting or relevant to to anyone but me, which makes me feel self-serving, shallow and impotent.

I keep making decisions that I keep changing.  "Okay, I'm going to try harder." or "I'm not giving up."  But I'm tired and I'm old, so fuck it. I've made another decision.  I'm going to write for myself.

I just quit a writers group.  I told the facilitator, a friend, that I was only going to journal, but even Anne Frank has me beat on that.

I know, I know, I'm a sourpuss.  someone called me persnickety yesterday and you know what's funny about that?  I agreed.  I am persnickety.  Kind of like James Spader without talent or intellect.

HOWEVER.....

The great thing about blogging, or journaling with no audience is that I I can write whatever I want, even curse like I do in real life (though I would like the sailor in me to find Jesus), and not worry about the grandkids, or anyone, reading it.  And,  I can avoid the criticism  by people whose only passion for writing is cowardly anonymous online bullying.

So, here I am, writing for an audience of one....feels very egotistical, but I'm convinced that it is more than that.  It's too desperate and needy, this writing thing.  I know, it's a deep-seated need to express myself, however, uninteresting and unrelatable that may be.  If I'm writing it, it must at least relate to me?

So, dear Carol, go to fuckin bed.  It's late.

gnight

My Dying Dog


I wrote about this before and I'll write about it again.

My Kayla is dying.  My 12 year old black lab has lymphoma.  I don't know how long she has.  No clue.  One month?  Six months?  One year?  One week?  I noticed that as soon as the vet gave me the diagnoses, she became "my dying dog."  You can't imagine the emotion that evokes, or maybe you, whoever you are, can?

She's still eating, walking, although much slower and not as far, and she plays, but she's still my dying dog.  Sometimes, I look at her, it hits me. I hold her tight and wonder  when I'm going to know, how I'm going to go through with it, and how I'm going to make it without her and her big bark.

I'm not brave.

I have to drag myself back into the moment, realize she's still living!  She still rolls over for a belly rub, puts her head in my lap, gives me paws for cookies, and kisses me.  Thank God for today's pain medications which I was just told I can increase to three times a day, when she needs it,

I read some online stories about lymphoma.  They seem to go pretty quick, but my Kayla, she's determined to hang in there, never complaining, always saying please, forever grateful.

Dogs have such resilient personalities.  In all these years, I've only seen her upset a few times.  She follows me from room to room, her legs stiff, her weight down from 90 to 81 right now, But it's time for me to wonder to bed so my Kayla girl can lay on her bed beside mine for the night. I don't want to end with this journal being morbid, but I can't think of anything funny to say right. now.







Saturday, September 26, 2015

How to Get Away With Murder or, Is Law School Really that Cray Cray?

Almost done with Season 1 of #Howtogetawaywithmurder.  It's exciting, dramatic and tense, but is it realistic? I don't know about criminal court, but I don't think court procedures would be that different.

All the reviews are rave.  No doubt Viola Davis brings the acting to a higher level, but when credibility goes out the window, it's hard for me to suspend reality.  So here's my take on the show so far.

First thing I noticed were technicalities...

1.  Courtroom attire.  Women wear suits in a court room, not off-the-sleeve or sleeveless tight dresses.  It's all about presentation to the jury and pleasing a judge.

2.  Can you really present witnesses or evidence without introducing it to the other side or bringing it to the bench for a judge to approve before before being presented to the jury?  Haven't you people ever seen Perry Mason?

3.  I don't think you can introduce a motion before a judge in a hearing scheduled for another motion.   In other words, if a hearing has not already been requested on the motion, unless it's an emergency, and even then, there's protocol.

4.  Is there really that much sexing and corruption going on in law school.  Seriously?  Everybody is sleeping with each other, everyone is genius (now I know that's not true) and there are layers and layers of secrets.  Too many interesting people in one place.

5.  The smoking guns....really...Just really?  Cases dismissed before evidence is presented or examined.

This is why I don't watch law shows.  But despite this, I love me some Matt McGorry, the guy who was a prison guard  in Orange is the New Black.  He plays law student, Asher.  Without him, the show would be too dark to binge watch, as I have been doing.

So, because of Viola Davis' willingness to bare her acting soul and head, I'm going to continue to watch whatever episodes are left on Netflix

There you have it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Preparing for Goodbye


I've been mentally preparing myself, to the best of my ability, and with prayer, for the day Kayla is no longer with us, just because she's getting old, has Cushings, and has difficulty walking for about the last eight months. Now that I know she has lymphoma and will be leaving us sooner than I was hoping, it's really hitting me how much I have depended, and still depend, on her.  She taught the younger dogs manners and even some tricks, just by doing them herself.  Her deep, scary bark has thwarted home robberies. I know this because many of my neighbors have been robbed.  When we go for walks, Kayla is the one I ask for direction and she takes us where she wants to go.

I remember the first day, 9 years ago..maybe 10, driving to Pasco county to get her from a free online ad from a website, the name of which I don't even remember anymore.  She was fine when I got there, at least I thought so, till I got her home and saw she had a 3 inch injury running down the top of her paw (she kept licking it and it took months to heal.)  She was sick as a dog (pun intended) that night. I figured they gave her Benadryl before I got there.  I put her on the bed with me because I thought she was going to die that night. I was surprised when she couldn't jump, then found out she had very limited use of her back legs for some reason. I kept waking her up thinking she stopped breathing.  That's when I started spoiling her. giving her food because she was 20 lbs underweight, She was so weak, I could take her for walks without a leash and not worry about her running off, until I knew she was better about 4-5 weeks later when she saw a squirrel.

I wrote a song for her

She's my Kayla girl
She's the best girl in the world
She like a chase a squirrel,
cus she's my Kayla girl.

Kayla got a doggie habit
she like a chase a rabbit
You know she's gonna catchit
cus she's my Kayla girl.

She is always so happy when I sing that song, she prances around....

Last night we all played, Kayla played with her favorite squirrel toy, just like always.

I'm not saying goodbye yet, but I'm getting ready to.
                                                                 

                                                      Kayla today - blissfully ignorant
                                                 
      Kayla in her younger days