Thursday, December 27, 2012


“I have no choice.”

 When I was brought into the office with the owners and the door was shut behind us, I thought I was going to be reprimanded, but when I heard the words muttered above amid “budget cuts,” and “cut-back on staff,” I knew I was about to get fired. 

I maintained a professional demeanor during the apologies and even managed to make us all laugh.  I asked if there was anything I could improve and was told I was doing really well. I then jokingly requested that if that was the case, could they please fire someone else?

Then I went to my desk, packed up all of my things and handed in the key, saying goodbye to no one.  As I got into my car, I suddenly had the urge to cry, but I didn’t.  I called my son, then my daughter, then a friend, and then posted a picture of the box with my Christmas decorations and belongings to Facebook.

I began to feel nauseous before I was even aware that every insecurity I’ve had for the last 50 years (I am 56) had begun to struggle to be first and foremost in my consciousness:  I sucked at this job; they heard me complaining, God is punishing me; I made a giant mistake leaving my last job; I’m going to lose my place to live; I am going to have to find homes for my pets; I’ll have to sell everything; I’ll never have anything again; I’m going to die in poverty, miserable and alone.

It had been 15 minutes and I have already struggled, died and been buried.

A few hours later, I applied for unemployment and two jobs online.

The truth is that I hated that job and almost quit twice.  The ironic thing is that I had just made my peace with it and had finally felt as if I had begun to get a rhythm. 

Getting fired, for me, is a surreal experience. The closest description for it is a fog-like splotchy grey-out, bungeeing between being a survivor and terrible imaginings.

Is this where “the rubber meets the road,” as one of my friends so often said?  Is this where I “find out what I am made of?”

On Facebook, friends have assured me that something bigger and better is going to come along; when one door closes…I wonder if these are just the platitudes that friends throw out to console, meaning nothing, with no ingredient of truth, or if they truly believe that?  And if they do, is it because they have one experience or more than one?

I guess more will be revealed, huh?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Uh Oh NaNoWriMo!

I just signed up to write 50,000 words in 30 days.  Unfortunately, I am 8 days and 13,336 words behind. I wrote 70 words a few days ago and like always, hit a block. My problem is that I get a vision, which is a pretty good one, but it's starts in the middle of two brick walls.  I run out of a plot before the first page is written.  I have dozens of partially written stories. There are thousands of ideas, suggestions, instructions and opinions on how to write, but, ummm....don't you have to read those?  Yawn, I think Dexter's on.

What kind of writer doesn't read?  Not a very good one.
There you have it.  Another unmotivated writer.  Sloth, that deadly sin that successfully steals our futures and makes failures of so many of us.  Imagine, not what we could have been, but what we could have written, the places we could have taken people, the worlds and people we could have created, if we weren't so damned lazy.
Well, I can't blame menopause on everything.  Time to go write 50,000.  I have a world to create.



I didn't write another single word


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Qyestion is Not What, But Why

The question is not "What is the meaning of life," but "Why is life?" What makes my body move and my mind think? Where does this energy come from and why does it stay contained within me? What is God? What or Who made God, and if something made God, who made the thing that made God and who made the thing that made the thing that made God? It's like looking down a rabbit hole of mirrors. Are we organic robots? Play toys? Are we a globe in a room with a blacklight whose owner got bored and abandoned us. Global warming and greenhouse gasses are just a layer of dust over our atmosphere, the black holes, decaying fabric, the holes in the ozone, just dust particles wearing through the surface?
These are the things I think about at 11:52 pm when I forgot to eat dinner and its too late to eat anything more than a bowl of applesauce....

Monday, August 27, 2012


I am sober today

If I die today, I die sober

I am happy today

If I die today, I die sober and happy

I am right with God today

If I die today, I die sober, happy and right with God

I am not always happy

I am not always right with God

If I die on one of those days,

I hope to at least die sober

Because if there is an ever after

I know I'll be happy and right with God

Friday, August 17, 2012

Movie Review "Juan of the Dead"

When I saw the title in the comedy genre of the On Demand Channel of Brighthouse, I immediately thought of Shaun of the Dead, which was a very funny zombie movie from the UK.  My curiousity was so peaked that I had to get the movie just because of the title.

Juan de la Muerta, in English, is Juan of the Dead, or in my head, One of the Dead.   The movie is subtitled in English.  That may put a lot of people off right there. That's too bad. The lines are funny written, in body language, timing and delivery..

The movie begins with a man lying on a raft made of what appears to be cocunuts held together with fishing netting.  His foot is hanging off of the makeshift raft. Reminiscent of jaws, the shot then goes below the water and "swims" to the surface.  Speaking of reminiscent, there were quite a few "tributes to" in this movie; Bruce Lee and Quentin Tarantino and the original Shaun of the Dead, just to name the immediately recognizable ones.

Like Shaun of the Dead, Juan has a chunky, bungling and totally adorable friend. Unlike Shaun of the Dead, Juan has a daughter, his chunky friend has a son.  Juan also has a transgender friend named China and her beau, a hunk of steroids who resorts to a blindfold to keep from fainting every time he sees bloodspatter).  There would be a lot more people to help those still living, but Juan's friend kept accidentally killing them. 

Juan is an entrepeneur and begins an enterprise killing zombie loved ones.  ("Hola, Juan de la muerte"). The ensemble of actors work together like a greased bicycle chain. 

There is one dance scene that may have been tipping a hat to someone but was so original and hilarious that I literally guffawed through it. And I am not a guffawer by any means.  I'll try not to give too much away, but China and Juan are handcuffed together and end up doing a histerical dance scene that is anything but a dance scene.  It is a piece of genius, a gem that will be completely missed by the critics.

This movie a 69% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and was given 2.5 stars by some small minded moron, but it is just as good, if not better than Shaun of the Dead.   

Out of a rating of 5, I give it a

4 for originality but only because someone came up with the concept first.
4.5 for execution
4.5 for the script
4.5 for line delivery and timing.  There is a scene where Juan's friend pulled a joke on him that was perfect in it's delivery and timing. 
4.5 for acting
4.5 for scenery
4 for make-up and costumes (how hard is it to make zombies?)
4.5 for the beginning of the movies
4.5 for the Quenton Trarantino ending
4.5 for the special effects.  The building blew up, went down and the sun shone through the empty place on Juan and his friend so they could tan.

Overall, this movie is completely under-rated.  It is the funniest movie I've seen all summer and I saw Hangover 2.

I hope you expand your horizons over the sea to Cuba, see a little of their city before it burns to the ground.