Thursday, April 23, 2015

Fear

I used to be able to run, run, run far away from fear, when I was drinking.  I thought that my probably was you, and all the you's.  If you hadn't done this or that, that or this wouldn't have happened to me.  
I deluded myself, swimming in my alcohol-filled pool of courage, that I was brave, invincible, beautiful and funny.   I had talents that you morons couldn't see. I kept searching for the special you that could see them, and when I found you, you were imperfect, weak, and dismissed.
Now, I don't have a bottle to dive into. I felt like the littlest mermaid for the longest time. Climbing out of my liquid delusion, my body burned and nerves jangled with every step I took on dry land. Every minute that passed taught me more about my defects.  The hardest part of all, was learning that I am not, in fact, perfect. 
In retrospect, it's been a hard path to follow, but it's been getting easier and easier.  There are good things, very good things, that I've learned about me.  There are also some areas where I'm not getting better.  In fact, I'm just as bad or worse in those areas and it's causing a great deal of fear. At least, now I know I did it to myself. You didn't do anything.  
I was reading a story today on Flipboard called, Is God Training You, Like He Did Elijah?  http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/with-elijah-on-god-s-training-ground.html
At his lowest point, Elijah was told to go to Kerith Brook and wait on God where the ravens would feed him.  Elijah did as he was told and after, God revealed Himself and Elijah performed miracles.
I want to walk away from everything, find a quiet brook and wait on God, but I'm in too much fear to listen for God.  The idea of losing everything and depending solely on God terrifies me.  I don't believe the ravens will feed me.    I'm not sure if God sees the world today, if He understands how it works, or even if He cares. People take the Bible to mean that what God said to a select few, He meant for all, but I don't believe that.  I believe that God meant what He said to those special people to apply to them only, and when He meant all of us, He said so.
Even with my doubts, I still pray.  I still believe, on some level, that God is with me and that I need Him desperately.  Whatever that is, I'm okay with it because I couldn't face my self alone.  Yes, I have a fellowship who taught me to have the courage to face my imperfections, and to shed light on even my darkest secrets.  I have grown very close, even to love a few, but in the end, I'm still alone with my thoughts.  
Let's just say, I don't always come up with good ideas, but I still plow forward, thinking, "this time, it'll be different. It will work out."  
At least I don't think I'm perfect anymore. I don't think it's you who is at fault.  I know it's me now, but I don't hate me, at least most of the time.  I still have some wonderful  qualities.  My life is good.  I'm safe. I'm very loved despite my defects, imperfection...unworthiness.  In fact, as sad as this would be to people who saw my outer existence, my life is the best it's ever been.  I'm afraid that God might ask me to leave everything, everyone and go to Kerith Brook to wait on Him.  Then I think of what's the worst that can happen, the dogs and cats either get homes or are put down (that's where the fear comes in). I lose all my material stuff; house and everything in it, car, job, clothes and food.  In the end, if I don't climb back in, I will still be okay. I have a group of people who love me and who are still teaching me to learn to live outside the bottle. 
I've walked through a lot of fear. I have, with a great deal of help, done some amazing things.  I have such a long way to go, but at least, I don't have to walk alone.  
A woman once showed me that all I needed was a little bit of faith and if God is with me, no one can be against me.  I guess God's Grace doesn't depend on me being anything other than me.  I hope that if God ever does call me to my own Kerith Brook, that I can hear Him and have enough faith and courage to obey.