Saturday, September 17, 2011

Losing My Mind

The most interesting thing about losing my memory is not watching it in slow motion, like a bad movie, day after day. Nor is the fact that the progression could cost me my job,my quality of life or my sanity. Nor is the most interesting thing about losing my memory the look of either disgust or pity but rarely compassion, that I see in the eyes of those who catch a glimpse of it. No, the most interesting thing about losing your memory is that the only people who can really relate to losing their memory cannot relate with you about losing their memory. It is the most intangible illness there is. It's mistaken for aging, stupidity, lack of focus, lack of prioritizing, lack of discipline; but not what it is- a mental illness. .
 Not only is my memory fading, but bits and pieces of my reality run together and become confusing. For example, dates. I look at dates, completely forgetting what day it is and thinking it's another date, a week ago, a week from now. Names of people I've known for years escape me and lately, I can't remember how to spell things.
I am not going to apologize for my memory loss and the subsequent fall-out. I refuse to allow the permeable distate that others have for those who they label "stupid" to hurt me. If I am to blame, then so be it. But no matter who is to blame, this is what it is. A descent into the rabbit hole.

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