Wednesday, July 24, 2013

65%

I am 56 years old. That means, according to health..ny.gov, I've already lived 65% of my life, leaving a measly 34% remaining.  I spent the last 15 years trying to deny that it, age, is happening.  Now it seems like it was such a massive waste, well, only the part where I tried to act like I was still young and cool.  Not the part when I exercised and ate healthy . It didn't feel like it was happening and for awhile, it didn't look like it.  But where once, the years would go by with the slightest sign of a wrinkle, crows foot or crease, it seems that every year, and sometimes in a few months, a new change in skinlasticity, color or location of skin or organ.

The weird thing about aging, that I think everyone, I mean everyone, goes through, is that is it so surprising when it happens to you!  For some reason, I never thought I would get old.  I grew up during a time when The Who sang, "I hope I die before I get old!"  But even The Who grew old!

I made a fool of myself trying to get through to young people, to let them know I was "down' with what they were talking about and I actually was, but all I got were smiles of pity. "What could you know, lady, about us??  But I do know.  I've been an us.

At 17, I was living on the streets.  I hitchhiked from Florida to Boston and back down again, then from Florida to California, and back again.  I lived on the streets.  I've seen things, crazy things, cur-razy things.  I've been arrested.  I and a few companions sneaked into the Ozark Mountain Festival. Look it up. It was lunacy.

I spent the last 20 years yearning, longing, for the days of my youth.  Those were the days when I  allowed myself to run free, run away.  I've suffered from what I felt was claustrophobia of life, but it was just maturity that I was having a hard time accepting.

At 56, I don't have the energy I used to have. Actually, I don't have any energy at all. This helps a great deal with the needing to run toward or away from anything.  But I miss so many things and I wonder if I'll ever see any of them again. Things like excitement, anticipation, being in love...If those things are gone forever, then I want to be too.

But, there are good things about getting older.  There's the wisdom that comes with it. I'm not quite so foolish. I also can impart that wisdom upon other unsuspecting victims.  I also get to use age as an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work on work..yet.  I'm also coming to the point of accepting my body and what age is doing to it, only because I am too tired to care anymore.

I remember an old lady named Marilyn that was in my life for a while. She used to love her sweets, cakes, whatever.  Now I get it.  At this age, happiness comes in 2 x 2 tiles of yellow cake with whipped cream frosting.

I've tried to impress upon my grand kids some of the things I went through and what they may expect, but I am too far away from them. Technology, music and social rules are all different now.  What remains the same, and will until the day humans cease to exist, is that we are born, we are genetically engineered to need certain things, spiritually married to the universe, will age and will die.

There's definitely an undercurrent feeling of time running out, something I can no longer ignore.  Sometimes I feel like I'm ready and even want to go, but I know there are things undone, so I still seek to try to fix them.  I also have regrets, monstrous, persistent regrets.  I can't live with them.  I certainly can't die with them.

I have half the time that I've existed so far, according to the life tables. That could be either too short, or too long and the funny thing is that I am curious to see which.

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